Excuuuuuuuse me!

Hi everyone, long time no... blog?

Just a warning! This post might be a little "ranty" and it might be a little angry/harsh but bare with me, it has a point, I swear.

I was looking at my past "relationships" (if that's even what you want to call them because they only lasted for maybe a month and a half) and I realized, I am just not doing this whole "love" thing right. To tell you the truth, I have never been in love. I don't know the meaning of the word anymore! I don't think love has a specific definition. It all depends on the person you are "in love" with.

*Side note! And I'm sorry... but I don't count any of my past relationships as real ones. Because it never got to the "comfortable" point where the fella and I could let our guards down.

Back to the point! I'm not bitter or anything, I just feel like, with the kind of person that I am, it's going to take a while to find my soul mate. Someone that doesn't expect me to be on my best behavior all the time. SO SORRY, but I refuse to change who I am for a lousy wang that will possibly move on to a girl who just sits there smiling.

I'm a "funny girl." I like being silly and inappropriate, and I have no shame! That's why I'll probably find the right guy when I'm in my 30's or 40's because that's when people just relax. Everyone is so uptight now, and focused on there image. Shit, even I am, but it tires me out more than anything in the world! I vow, from this day forward, to stop caring about what other people think of me! Nah... just kidding, that's impossible. BUT I am working extremely hard on caring a little less. It's helped me tremendously! I do this new thing, where if I walk up to someone and I can feel them judging everything about me, I act really nice and give them a lot of compliments. It freaks them out, and makes them think twice about what they thought of me before! AHA!

...I like how this post went from LOVE SUX BITCHES! to "What is everyone thinking about me right now?!?!?!" Though, those two things go hand in hand, don't you think? We work so hard trying to be someone different... someone better, so that the opposite sex will take notice. Then when we show them our real selves, they're disappointed. How about we just make it easier on ourselves, hmm? Try actually being exactly who you are!!! Novel concept, right?! Then someone who actually matters will take notice, and not be surprised when you open up a little more.

Oh my god... I think I just solved one of the biggest problems associated with love...

Positivity

Here is a new update on my life... I'm trying to be more positive.

I can't help but notice that I have a lot of negativity surrounding me. Of course, I find the silver lining in everything, but I have become used to being negative. It's a habit with my friends and I... We find it humorous... All in all, I am finding it EXTREMELY difficult to be more positive. It's taking way too long, and I am having to bite my tongue whenever I have something negative/clever to say. Do you guys know what I'm talking about?? The situation where someone says something that you know you can make fun of. It's ripe for the picking. So you say it but it ends up hurting that persons feelings, and making everyone else feel awkward. Yep... that's what I am trying to defeat. The only conclusion I can come to that pertains to helping me achieve my "positive" goal is surrounding myself with more positive people.

Now, this doesn't mean that I am going to removing all of my friends out of my life. I wouldn't do that. I just need to add more positive people in. And I don't want to make this blog about religion, but it wouldn't hurt to find a group of nice christian friends, because I really need God in my life right now. To tell you the truth, I am still in my "unhappy" funk that I was in when I wrote my first blog post. Like I said, it's taking forever. I wish there was an easy button I could push that made everything better. I could push it and be rich and famous, and able to pay for college in a flash. Sadly, there is nothing like that so I have to survive this journey before things are handed to me on a silver platter. And even then, it's not that easy.

You want to know what I am really tired of? And I know you will agree. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen. Why can't I just be brave and take risks?! It's exhausting. I have no idea what's holding me back.

I really hope some of you are feeling what I am feeling? And I hope you can feel comfortable enough to talk about it with me. Maybe we can get through this together.

AK

Applesauce Raisin Cake with Spiced Cream Cheese Frosting

I made this cake for my Mother's Birthday dinner on Sunday! It's really easy to make, and it fills your house with wonderful Fall smells! I combined two recipes to make this, so here you go!!!

CAKE

Ingredients

• 4 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 stick of butter
• 2 cups white sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 1/2 cups applesauce
• 1 1/2 cups chopped walnuts
• 2 cups raisins

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9x13 inch pan. Mix together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs one at a time. Beat in the flour mixture alternately with the applesauce. Fold in the walnuts and raisins. Pour batter into prepared pan.
3. Bake in the preheated oven for 40 to 45 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Allow to cool.

FROSTING

8 oz cream cheese, room temperature

1 stick butter, room temperature

4-5 cups powdered sugar

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Combine cream cheese and butter in a mixer until smooth. Add powdered sugar gradually, alternating with vanilla extract. Add spices. Frost cupcakes as desired.

Lemon Blueberry Cupcakes with Lemon Cream Cheese Icing!

I just made these DELICIOUS cupcakes. I'm really getting into cooking lately. Especially desserts and pastries! I'll put the recipe on here incase you want to give them a try!

Ingredients

Cupcakes:

• 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 sticks butter
• 2 cups sugar
• 3 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• Zest of 1 lemon
• 2 cups sour cream
• 1 1/2 cups fresh blueberries

Frosting:

• 1 sticks butter
• 8 ounces cream cheese
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• Juice and zest of 1 lemon
• 3 to 4 cups powdered sugar

Directions

For the cupcakes: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line cupcake tins with 24 paper liners.

Mix the flour, soda and salt together in a bowl. Set aside. Add the butter and sugar to a mixing bowl and cream until light and fluffy. Add the eggs 1 at a time and mix thoroughly. Add the vanilla and lemon zestand mix to combine. Add the dry mixture in 3 parts alternating with the sour cream, ending with dry mixture. Stir in the blueberries. Fill the prepared tins two-thirds full and bake 16 to 20 minutes. Cool.

For the frosting: Cream the butter and cream cheese until smooth. Add the vanilla, lemon zest and juice and blend until combined. Add the powdered sugar gradually until combined.

Frost the cooled cupcakes with the cream cheese frosting.

Exhausted...

It seems like, no matter what I do, I'm disappointing someone... Do you ever get that feeling?

You think your finally doing something right in your life then BAM you have left someone behind that is utterly and irrevocably disappointed in you... It makes me feel guilty. I can't, for the life of me, get out of this funk. Either I don't have enough friends, I'm becoming a grandma that thinks she has to go to bed for 9 hours every night, or people are dropping me as their friend left and right. Is this growing up? Seriously? It sucks.

...I have a plan... I want to travel the world and leave all of this behind. Meet new people who have no idea what I'm like, and surprise them when I tell my first funny joke, or give someone a compliment that will make them love me forever.

I'm tired of disappointing people. But life isn't fair is it? No, life has to give you crap for every good thing you do. It's only the people who are rich and successful at an early age, who can live their fantasy life. The rest of us, have to pay our due process. We have to survive this twisted journey, before we end up on top. And even then... we still might leave someone behind. It's impossible for us not to.

I'm not usually this depressing of a person, but when I get a feeling like this, I find the best way to get rid of it, is to write it down, or talk to someone about it. This is the best of both worlds. Again, I write this blog in hopes that there are people just like me, out there. Who feel exactly like I feel, and who are going through the same things that I am going through. I have no intentions of hurting feelings, shoving my beliefs down your throat, or asking for money to help me in my "terrible" life. To tell you the truth, my life is actually wonderful. I'm not in the right place right now, but that's my own fault, and I'm working my way out.

I sometimes forget how truly lucky I am. I have an amazing family, incredible friends, and the most beautiful world surrounding me. There is beauty to be found, and I'm out to find it.

-Anna Kathryn

Live in the now, man!

Yeah, I know I should "live in the presence" but when this presence is so confusing, how can I not think about the future?

If I don't think about it, I feel like I am wasting precious time to figure out what's best for me.

I don't belong where I am right now. I just know it. There is something out there for me, and I can't lose sight of what it is.

Sorry...

I will take your advice into consideration. I will "live in the presence" and "bloom where I'm planted." Just know, there will always be a part of me, that is thinking about my future.

I'm stubborn as hell...

-A.M.

When bad habits arise...

I have an extremely bad habit that started around 7th grade. I believe there are millions of you who suffer from what I'm talking about. (Probably more than there ever has been before).

Comparing yourself to people.

This has been a problem for me ever since I can remember. It all started when I walked into my first dance convention. I was 11 years old, and had just started getting serious about dance. As soon as the first class started, I looked around and realized, "all these people are better than me." And right as that thought popped into my head, I immediately felt vulnerable, like everyone was staring at me, and talking about how bad I was at. Therefore, since I thought I was bad at dance, I started acting like I was. I was getting the moves wrong, and stumbling all over the place. From that day on, that's all I could think about. I would be walking down the hallway of my school and thinking things like, "She's prettier than me" or "I wish I was as skinny as her." Isn't this all just so sad and pathetic?? I mean, at least I realize it, but I cannot stop doing it.

Even today after having success and feeling good about myself in high school and my first year of college, I still have times where I will compare myself to someone, and from then on I feel like the worst person on the planet. I really need to stop. Maybe say that thing from The Help to myself a couple of times. "I am kind. I am smart. I am important." I feel that everyone is important. Everyone brings something to the table. Yet, what the hell happened to make us all start comparing ourselves to people? Why can't we just feel comfortable in our own skin? I used to think I was fine with myself, but it seems that as I grow older, I just keep discovering new things to compare to other people.

Ah, what a tangled web we weave...